Very few people have ever been able to see my fear. Most see the person I am trying to be - outgoing, passionate, friendly, happy - and can't see past the outer shell to see deep into who I am. The reality is that sometimes I sit at home alone in tears because I am afraid to call or text someone, afraid to go outside, and afraid to do anything but sit there. I know that sounds melodramatic. And absurd. It is. It's also real.Some of my fears are unfounded <!--more--> <br>Very few people have ever been able to see my fear. Most see the person I am trying to be - outgoing, passionate, friendly, happy - and can't see past the outer shell to see deep into who I am. <br>The reality is that sometimes I sit at home alone in tears because I am afraid to call or text someone, afraid to go outside, and afraid to do anything but sit there. <br>I know that sounds melodramatic. And absurd. It is. It's also real.<br>Some of my fears are unfounded - I could probably go watch a movie on Netflix without anything terrible happening in my life. <br>Other fears are rooted in experiences from my life. If I call someone, or text them, or email them, there's a good chance that I'll do something that will stress our relationship... and then the friendship will be over. Even if I have a good excuse, it may still happen. With a couple relationships, I feel comfortable enough that I can make a phone call or send a text without jeopardizing everything, but most never get to that point.<br>Is that logical? Maybe. Maybe not. But it is a constant, real fear that I face, and it literally keeps me from doing anything with anyone, ever, or reaching out to others unless there is a good excuse, unless I'm invited first. Life is about reciprocity, and gripping fear makes it close to impossible for me to join.
